Life is full of twists and turns. Just when you think your child might stay clean, bam, a relapse. Just when you think you have finally gotten over winter, bam, a Nor’Easter. Just when you think things might go smoothly until Oldest Son graduates, bam, a seizure at school, an ER visit, a transfer to Children with the end result being a heart rhythm disorder. I mean, who doesn’t have that sort of thing happen. Oh. Right. The average person. Eh, well, that is my life. And the life of my family. If it isn’t one thing, it is something else. But, the timing seemed a fortuitous, does it not? I mean, I just wrote a post about how I hope that JoDee is able to maintain her sobriety to participate in the events we have coming up as a family. And she was. After we were settled from the ambulance ride to Boston, the ride in which Oldest Son listened to his ear buds and napped while I fretted in the front seat convinced he was about to go into cardiac arrest, JoDee was able to meet us there to be a supportive sister to her little brother. And help AC pick on me. Good times had by all, I tell ya.

Anyway, the point of this post is two things. 1. The things that happen in the face of tragedy and 2. Being able to recognize the good with the bad.  Let’s go with the latter first. It’s just 4 weeks from graduation. We have lots of things we should be doing, including working and attending school. Having this happen now is sort of anxiety-provoking, but having this happens at any time would have been anxiety provoking. It’s not natural for a 17 year old boy (18 in 4 weeks for the love of god!) to just pass out, and seize while sitting sedentary at a desk in class. Not to mention, the way I hear it, he completely freaked out his teacher and fellow classmates including one young lad who said “Jay J are you alright, cuz you just bugged out.” The good news is that this can eventually be corrected, hopefully. He has some test to do, wear a heart monitor, possibly have surgery sooner than later, but in the end, he should be (knock on wood) relatively healthy when all is complete. No contact sports, which is a bummer for him but something we will figure out how to get past.  I think we are so fortunate to live a 20 minute ambulance ride from some of the best hospitals on earth.  So even though this sucked the big one, it could be so much worse. In fact, when we were in Beverly ER we heard them call a Code Pink Maternity, which I believe means baby in distress or coding. When we were getting transported into the ambulance, the Childrens Hospital Neonatal Transport Vehicle was loading a brandy new baby all hooked up to wires and monitors into the ambulance. It was really heart breaking to watch. My heart went out to the baby and h/her parents.

For our situation it was what happened when the dust settles that really astonished me. It also is a constant reminder that drug addiction follows us wherever we go.  How does that happen? Well, grab a coffee or tea, and let me tell you. First of all, it’s amazing the 900 phone calls, texts, emails we got with people being so concerned and worried. It is truly amazing that we have such wonderful people surrounding us that love our family. Not just the school, but parents of Jay J’s friends, co-workers and family were all willing to rush to help us, if we need anything. One of the highlights of the day was when I asked my niece, Tori, to run to my house to let the cat in. Apparently I had forgotten to tell her we got a new cat (and by “got” I do mean we are temporarily babysitting the 3 J’s step-mom and step-sisters cat until they move) so I suddenly got this text message:

“Does this Mufasa belong to you?”

I laughed so hard…. Because he actually does sort of look like Mufasa! Oh shit. I laughed so hard, my gut hurt and I’m certain my kidneys were bleeding. I could have been slap happy due to the day’s events, but the caption with the picture were priceless. Especially if you scroll in to see Blue, AKA Mufasa’s, face. He looks so innocent just waiting at the door. The poor thing!

Anyway, Tori was wonderful to run over let Mufasa in and feed all three of them. She texted me later to say that the “fluffy cat” ran away and was she supposed to “capture” him. The hits just kept on coming. Another awesome thing that happened was that Jay J was literally hanging off the end of the bed. Children’s hospital is fantastic, they were really great with all of us. I felt that the Doctors all talked to us, not at us and took this seriously even though they maybe see it every day. They introduced themselves by their first name, not “Dr Whomever”. The only thing that really needed some work was the bed was for a child. And technically, since Jay J is under 18, he constitutes as a child, but man, he did not fit in the bed. He looked ridiculous!

You can’t see it in the picture, but his feet hung off the end. The mattress wasn’t used to holding a full size person so it kept sliding down the frame. All of sudden, you would just start seeing Jay J slide down with the mattress until it was about to fall off the end.

And of course, there was a lot of this going on….

We had to go to the gift shop to by a multi-prong charger because everyone’s phone was dying and this was the real emergency!

All in all, to relate to Reason for Post #2. It can always be worse. We were able to see the fortunate in the day, and of course, as always, Jay J was as a calm as can be, making sure to update his SnapChat story through-out the day.

To talk about Reason for Post #1, brings us back to being the parent of an addict. When something like this happens, it never crosses my mind that somehow, JoDee’s addiction will become an issue. In my mind, this is about Jay J. And I was happy that today, JoDee was clean and participating in family events so able to come to show support.  Later that night, I received a phone call from someone who should be close to Jay J but probably isn’t as close as they should be. Someone related to him. Someone, who in my opinion, should not participate in town rumor or speculation and should support the family, not partake in gossip, called me to ask how Jay J was. First question, how is Jay J? Second question, So it was drugs?  Coming from the source I’m not entirely surprised. Some people gravitate to the negative, to the gossip and relish in it, instead of cutting it off but it still irritated me. My response was why would you ask that? This person’s response was: That was what I heard in town today, someone told me that. My response to that was I don’t want to hear any bullshit gossip, just because one of my children is a drug addict doesn’t mean they all are. The rest of the conversation was sort of going over what he really has.

Two things are important about this interaction. 1. I don’t believe anyone told this person that. I believe that was a judgement that this person has against our family. And I don’t really (I say really, because I do a small percent) hold any grudge against this person because I believe this happens frequently. I’m sure there are many people who think if I have one child that is an addict I must have two or three. I also believe it goes back to what I have said many times, that my child being an addict is a result of my parenting (Ps… all of my children do have TWO parents, the have the same mother and the same father. All three of them. It’s amazing how the problem is always the mother….. Not only judge-y but sexist. Love it) which means that the other kids have no shot of being productive members of society. It doesn’t matter that I am, in fact, a productive member of society. Have volunteered in my kid’s classes, gone on field trips, attended concerts and recitals and hockey games and wrestling tournaments nary missing a one.  Not to mention, if Jay J had a medical emergency in class and JoDee was not an addict, would anyone have said “Was it drugs?” Doubtful.

The second thing that is important about this interaction is what do I do with it? Do I dwell over the fact that someone I don’t talk to or see or think about in my everyday life was so judgmental about me or more importantly my son? Do I let it eat me alive? Do I start a “Jay J is not a flaming heroin addict campaign” or do I write it off for what it is…. Immaterial. It’s hard to do that. I have had people judge me my entire life. You cannot get pregnant at 17 and still in high school and not be judged. I’m sort of used to it, and not just that, I really have grown a tough skin around it. Lots of people say I don’t care what people think, but a lot of times that is a self-soothing statement to convince themselves that they really don’t care what anyone thinks. I really don’t care what the majority of people think. I care about what my kids/step-kids think, I care about what AC thinks and my parents (dad, step-mom and mom). I care about what my baby kitty thinks. And my family, inner circle of friends, co-workers, boss, etc., because that is normal. People should have some regard to those around them. But someone, anyone, that really has no impact on my life, I have really gotten to the point in life that I couldn’t care less. And I like that. Sometimes it makes me come off sort of uncaring, but I guess I am. Tough. It’s my life. I have to live it so at the end of the day when I wash my face and brush my teeth, I see my own reflection staring back, not the reflection of some person who influenced me to do something that I shouldn’t have, that I regret.

So to wrap up this long post, I decided to scrap it. It’s inconsequential because I know the truth. Jay J knows the truth. His dad and step-mom know the truth. Our inner circle know the truth. And if those outside the circle want to believe that Jay J is an addict too, or want something to gossip about, let them. At the end of the day, people who gossip about others with no bases or fact, are really doing so to avoid having to face their own short comings. Have at it Mo-fo.

Spring is a time of rebirth, I think. When the weather starts to get better, the sun is warm and the cold snap in the air is gone, it is pleasant to be outside. Tulips and crocuses begin to bloom, the grass comes back to life, and everyone’s mood is a little more enjoyable. It also is a particularly busy time of year for everyone. Spring cleaning, graduations, weddings, babies, birthdays… there always seems to be a lot going on in the spring. In our family we have Jay J’s 18^th birthday and graduation coming up, lots of home improvements including renovating a kitchen which is a ton of fun with a million and half people and enough animals to fill Noah’s Ark living in the house, not to mention school vacation, and the end of the school year. Jay J has something like 27 days left of school and he is re-inventing the term “senior slide”. I can barely slide him out of bed in the morning without yelling in his room that I will beat his balls off if he isn’t out of bed in 5 minutes. To which he typically replies, as he leisurely arises, “You don’t say that, Mom”. I believe, I just did.

Anyway. Jay J is graduating high school and we have talked a lot about that but there is also another huge graduation coming up. Jared is graduating from Middle School. To some, this may not be a big deal, but to me it’s huge. For a few reasons but the first being that I was not able to attend either JoDee or Jay J’s middle school graduation. Both for different reasons and they weren’t missed lightly, I still harbor guilt about it. And the second, my youngest child, my baby, my little monster is going to high school. I simply cannot wrap my head around a world that I have two high school graduates and third starting his high school career. How in the world this happened, I will never know. But it has me reflecting on our life. Right now there are seven of us- AC, his two daughters and my three and me- but it wasn’t always that way. For a while, it was just the four of us. Before Ex Husband Numero Dos, before AC and our new clan. Before addiction was a new character, back when I was judg-y and broke and tired and frustrated. Back when it was just me and the three kids.

Jared was born with a sign on his back that read “After me you will never want another child.” And that was no shit. He was cranky, and cry-y, and sleepless. He bellowed the second he was born, and essentially, had not stopped in 14 years. He has always made his presence known. When he was younger he went through a biting stage, when he got a little older he went through a hair pulling stage (not to be undone by the hair cutting stage JoDee went through that made Jay J look like he was fighting a terrible disease) and his whole life he went through a no-sleeping stage. When Daddy-O and I broke up, Jared was an infant still. And he rarely slept, and he screamed all the time. He was colicky which my other two never were. He hated being fed but he didn’t have any of the normal symptoms of milk intolerance so it took us a while to switch him to soy, which was a brilliant move. Within two bottles he was much happier. And finally slept- a little. But before getting to that point, I remember one night in particular that was very nasty. He was screaming so loud his face was purple. I burped him, and bounced him, and walked him. I tried a bottle, a binky, his swing. I placed him on his belly on a blanket on the floor (which sometimes helped) but nothing was working. I was so frustrated, and tired, and overwhelmed, I was really losing my patience.

By the time 3 a.m. rolled around and there was no break in the crying, I knew I had to get away from him because I was certain he could feel my annoyance. Not to mention, there is only so much a person can take- I was so afraid of losing my temper. So I went into the then-seven-year-old JoDee’s room and woke her up. I told her your brother won’t stop screaming I have to go stand outside, and I plopped him in bed with her, fully wailing, and walked out of the house, to the middle of the front lawn. I could just barely hear him screaming still. Very faintly. I started humming hush little baby to myself, to drowned it out. I looked around noticing that spring had begun. Flowers were starting to come up and our lawn needed mowed. With all the screaming I hadn’t realized how late in the spring it was. I don’t know how long it was, it felt like seconds but it was probably a full minute, and the screaming stopped. I remember thinking to myself that I was finally going crazy. I stood outside, sort of with my ear up, trying to listen. Silence. Slowly, as though each step might make the screaming start again, I walked back into the house. I closed the front door and stood in the entrance for a few seconds. The only sound was the refrigerator humming. Gingerly, I made my way to JoDee’s room. There she was, sitting up in bed, Jared on her lap, belly down, crossways. She was asleep with her chin on her chest, and he was asleep, drool seeping from the corner of his mouth on to her leg. It was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen.

I backed into her closet door, and slid to the floor, afraid that I might break the spell that made them both sleep. At some point, I fell asleep too. I woke up several hours later to the sound of laughter. At first I didn’t know where I was or why I had a pain in the side of my face. At some point, I must have fallen over, and I had a Lego stuck to my cheek. I followed the sound of the laughter to the living room. JoDee and Jay J were sitting in front of the TV watching Tarzan and eating Go-Gurts. Jared was sound asleep in his swing, an empty bottle on the floor next to it. When JoDee saw me, she just started reciting the morning events as though she was the babysitter and I just returned home from work. Jared woke at 5 and had a bottle; Jay J got up at 6 and had toast. When Jared was hungry again she made him another bottle and he has been asleep a little while. It was 8 in the morning. I realized then that JoDee was supposed to be in school. And she said she didn’t want to go. She thought (and this is a direct quote) “it is best for everyone if I take a day off from school today”. I couldn’t agree more. We all spent that day in our pajamas, eating every meal on a blanket in the living room. Jared was a little better tempered, probably a reaction to my being a little better tempered. At the end of the day, I ordered a pizza much to JoDee and Jay J’s delight, which was a huge luxury  for our limited income family. Jay J rolled his little black truck all over the place, JoDee made me play Hungry Hungry Hippo at least 13 times. At one point, we all napped together on that blanket. It was a wonderful day.

It’s hard for me to believe, when I realize spring is springing again, that JoDee went from that independent, reliable, loyal big sister to the addict that stole from her brothers and belittle them with Rage-High. And not just stealing possessions, but stealing time and attention. When I think about the three of them I know they will always have each other. They will always be siblings. They will always know each other more and better and longer than any other person that will ever be in their life. I hope with all my heart that addiction and the things that happen during active addiction and chronic relapsing haven’t done so much damage that they can’t get close again. And not just that, I hope that the scar from that Lego eventually fades!