Recent Things That Really Happened

  1. Car behind us pulled up too close. Me: Oh Okay , do you want me to get out of this car and take care of this right now? AC: Calm down bulldog, I think we are fine.
  2. Me: Jared your grounded. Jared: I’m going to Dad’s so what is my punishment. Me: I will poop on your play station. Jared: Please don’t. Also, what is wrong with you?
  3. Bibi to Jay J: Listen Jay J are you still with that girl? Jay J: Yes Bibi: When they look that good and they can cook you need to make sure they can’t get away. Not to mention you can have a lot of fun if you know what I mean. (Bibi=91 year old great grandmother with no boundaries).
  4. AC: Tell JoDee not to post that shit on FaceBook. Me: Ok, I will and I am pretty sure that will work as well as did don’t do drugs and don’t have sex. (pause to look at him like he is a dingbat, and to hear OC laugh). AC: One of these times she might listen. Me: No. She won’t.
  5. Text from Jay J to Mom: Don’t worry I got instant karma for getting two flat tires in your car. The dog ate my entire honey cake and then peed on the crumbs. Me: Hold on. Can’t stop laughing. Wait, dying. Ok. Nope still laughing. Karma is a bitch, son.
  6. Jared while AC is telling us that someone at his work recently lost a loved one to cancer: That is so sad. We should send them an edible arrangement with sun-died tomatoes. (Inappropriate, but hilarious).
  7. While FaceTiming with SC: Me: FaceTime is not flattering. SC: you have to hold it up high. Me: I look Mopa otherwise known as Jeffrey Tambor. SC: Oh my god! You totally do! Me: wow, you didn’t have to sound so excited about it.
  8. After making vegan and non-vegan cookies with OC and Jared: Me: Wow. OC: What? Me: The vegan cookies which should taste and look like cardboard look like they were just cooked by someone on the Food Network while the regular full fat and yummy cookies look like Helen Keller made them. With no help.
  9. This honest to God happened, Me to co-worker: I love my new office especially because I used to have birds fly into my window all the time since we were on the fifth floor. Now we are on the first floor so that won’t happen. As bird flies into the window. CC- Well that just happened. Me- What the actual eff was that??????????
  10. Lastly, I know I am doing something right as a wife when during a simple argument my husband covers his nipples with his hands while saying don’t be scary.