No one. No one is the boss of me. I have been sick recently so everyone thinks they have an opinion. They don’t. There are ways to prove that:
Conversations with my children:
Jared: I need to go to Petco. Me: No. Not again. That’s three days in a row. Jared: I will meet you in the car in five. Me: I’m not coming. (five minutes later while getting in car) This is BS. Why do we have to go so often? Jared: Because my pets are new and I need stuff, stop complaining besides you can’t drive, so all you have to do is ride with me. Me: Shut up. Jared: Fine.
Me: 12. 12 pills each morning and night. 24 effing pills and they taste disgusting. I should just swallow chaulk. Jay J: (without looking up) take them. Me: No. Jay J: Take them. Me: They are fucking gross. Jay J: Take them. Me: You don’t rule me (as I swallow the first 6). Jay J: take them all. Me: Shut up.
Me: I am going out. Cinderalla: Where are you going? Me: Out. Jay J: You can’t drive. Me: I won’t. Cinderalla: Um. where are you going? (sounding super sweet) AC: I’m driving Ms. Crazy so it’s ok. Me: I’m an adult, and I can do whatever I want so shut up.
Conversations with my husband:
AC: What are you going to do today? Me: Laundry, maybe go to Lowes. I want to plant my grape bush. AC: (while looking at me like I am a two year old trying to climb out of my crib) No. You aren’t. You can’t drive. Me: I can Uber. AC: Rest does not include Ubering to Lowes and I did the laundry. Me: I hate you. AC: No you don’t. Me: Shut up.
AC: Are you hungry? Me: No. AC: Stop being a brat. Me: I am not hungry and you can’t make me eat anything if I don’t want too. AC: I am making you a hot cheese and chicken sandwich. Me: I won’t eat it. (After eating the delicious, finger-licking sandwich) That was gross and I’m going to throw up. AC: Shut up.
Conversations with my animals:
Me: Blu, stop. Get off me. Just because I am in bed doesn’t mean I have to pet you. Blu uses paw and then paw and claw to scratch my head. Me: BLU NO. Blu presses claws further into my head and bites my hair. Me: Okay, Okay. Continues petting him for an hour.
Me: Blu I pet you all day, get off me. (This is at 2am). Blu begins head butting me and purring loudly. Me: Okay fine but stop purring so fucking loud!
Georgi jumping on my bed, licking my face, sitting on top of me, and biting my pillow. Me: STOP! Georgi throws pillow in the air. Me: STOP! Georgi jumps off bed with pillow and runs away. Me: Fine take the stupid pillow!
Me: I am coming to get that fucking pillow. (Grabbing pillow from her she shakes her head like we are playing) Let go of the pillow Cujo!
Me: Diego, thank god you are the best kitty in the whole world and I love you better than anyone else.
Conversations with Bibi:
Bibi: Are you home? Me: Yes. Bibi: Well you are going to be on the bread line soon. Me: Thanks for the support. Bibi: Well bitch you may but work you must kiddo.
Bibi: Did I wake you? Me: Yes, are you alright? Bibi: Yes but I need to tell you something important or I wouldn’t have called. Me: What? What is it? Bibi: The pigeons are shitting all over my piazza. (a few moments of silence) Me: And? Bibi: Isn’t that enough? Bye. (hangs up).
Bibi: Did I wake you? Me: No. Bibi: How do you feel? Me: Like shit actually, my head is killing me. Bibi: Oh well, I have had headaches my whole life so suck it up. At least you aren’t 92 years old. Me: That’s true. Bibi: Do not trust yourself to break wind in public at 92, it could be more than wind. Me: Thanks for the heads up……
Bibi: Melanie, Melanie the ride stole my walker. The ride stole my walker and they won’t give it back. I called them and they said to describe it. Describe it? It’s a friggen walker. Those shit faces stole my walker so they could sell it at the Flea Market. (has not even said hello, or given me a chance to speak at all) Melanie, I am calling the police to report it stolen. Good bye. Immediately calls me back. Bibi: I called the ride back and told them to shut the hell up! Hangs up again. Click…..