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What You Say vs What I Hear

What you say:

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are a good mother.

You have done everything you can.

She might recover.

Think about yourself.

 

What I hear:

I have everyone fooled.

I am so numb I don’t feel anything anymore.

You know I’m not, but you don’t know what else to say.

I pity you.

She won’t.

You look like shit so do something nice for yourself.

 

What you say:

How is JoDee?

I don’t know how you do it.

I can’t imagine how painful this must be.

Don’t give up hope.

What can I do for you?

 

What I hear:

Is she alive?

I’m so glad that isn’t me.

I don’t want to imagine your pain because it makes me think it might happen to me.

I don’t know what else to say to you.

I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do. I love you and I want to do something for you.

 

What I feel about what I hear:

I wish everyone could see how weak I really am.

I wish everyone could see my cowardice.

I wish everyone could see that I tried to be a good mother, but I don’t think I did it right.

I wish I could keep up hope.

I don’t want to think about myself.

I have no idea how JoDee is. Even if I was in touch with her, I never really know how she is.

I’m glad it isn’t you too. I wish it wasn’t me. I wish no one had to go through this.

No, you don’t. You don’t want to imagine the pain, or try to imagine your own pain if you were in my shoes because it is crippling to think about.

You don’t have to say anything because there is nothing to say. Nothing anyone can say. Nothing to be said. Except for this is total bullshit. And being honest, I don’t want to talk about it anyway.

I feel hopeless too and I appreciate you offering to send me food, or a house cleaner, or take me to dinner but it just isn’t necessary because tomorrow will be the same as today as tomorrow as a month and a year from now. But thank you for being a friend.

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4 thoughts on “What You Say vs What I Hear

  1. I hear you, Melanie. I’ve been hearing you since we lost our precious 46 year old son two and a half years ago. In my grief, I found your blog and have walked with you since, hearing your cry and sending my sorrow and love and hope to you at each reading. You are a wonderful writer and a strong, brave, and loving soul. You’ve done your very best, Melanie. What more can any of us do?

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    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I can’t believe that as parents we still have to worry about this when they are 46 years old. I don’t know how you dealt with this for such a long time. Thank you for the kind words of support.

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  2. Hi Melanie,
    My name is Krista and I met your daughter JoDee in WATC in December 2015. I just want you to know she is an amazing young woman. I am 31 years old and have struggled with heroin addiction since 18. I also have two children who has suffered from my selfishness, and family. Little sisters who I let down and my Mom and Grandmother who have stayed up countless nights waiting for a knock on the door that I was dead. JoDee and I had the same therapist when we were together and so we talked about a lot of things. She spoke of you and how much she loved you. I just want you to know, you did NOTHING. I’m not really sure my point to this comment, sorry for being all over the place. I just wanted to let you know I enjoy reading your blogs when I see them on JoDee’ s facebook. Also, you have more strength and courage than you think to be able to explain your thoughts and feelings for anyone to read. I wish most people’s parents could understand they did not fail us as parents. It is not there fault we became addicts. Our intentions are not to hurt you. There is just such a deep dark hole we need to climb out of ourselves. Until we’re ready for the hardest battle of our lives, we keep slipping back. The lucky ones eventually reach the top, but the rest of there lives they need to work to stay there. JoDee is young, beautiful inside and out. So you did nothing wrong as a parent, and hopefully she stays on the right path and by the time she’s my age you’re spending summers on the beach, mother and daughter. I wish you and your family the best and I want to thank you for your blogs!

    Liked by 1 person

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