Why?

Why couldn’t I see this happening before it got so bad?

Why was I oblivious to her changing all those years ago?

Why are we still suffering? Will it go on forever?

Why does imagining her sleeping on the street make me vomit?

Why am I the one feeling guilt after I slap her in the head for getting high in my basement? Why am I staring at the ceiling not sleeping while she is watching Prison Break on her bed tanked out to the world?

Why do I defend her to her brothers when they show hostility?

Why am I still surprised when she runs from a program?

Why do I expect her to call when she says she will?
Why am I surprised when she doesn’t?

Why did I have to change?

Why did I have to become cynical, withdrawn and depressed?

Why did everything I thought I knew about parenting turn out to be a pile of shit?

Why am I afraid to pray for her recovery?

Why do I think praying jinx’s her and talking about it is a jinx and dreaming of her as a mother and a wife and having a beautiful life is a precipitate to it all falling apart?

Why did I wait so long to sell our house because I was hoping she would come home to be part of it?

Why do I not really think about which room is hers when we look at new houses?

Why when I finally hear from her am I not relieved?

Why when she finally calls me do I feel angry, betrayed and compassion?

Why after 5 years of this absolutely ridiculously insane bullshit life am I still asking why?

Why am I so afraid of jinxing it again that I won’t tell you what happened when I heard from JoDee last night?

Why do I think she might be ready to surrender?

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Why?

  1. chris evans says:

    oh oh oh i do hope you are right and she is ready to consider another way……sending all positive thoughts to you and jo dee. And I think all us mums can answer your why questions……love . She is with you now……..hold her and love her even if she is a pain in the butt. love chris in the uk

    Like

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