Everything sucks. It’s not a big secret, I have made a point of saying it as many times as anyone will listen. I do a lot of staring at my ceiling, or beating up the big tree in the backyard with a golf club (I wish I could say I was joking or that was a metaphor for something). But it’s not all misery. There are things that happen that aren’t miserable. I happen to think are funny. I, however, have an extremely warped sense of humor. Many have told me that, mostly, I don’t care. So here are some things that have happened that are pretty funny:
- My grandmother knocked her car door into the car park next to her at her building. Like an idiot she told the guy who owned the car. He gave her a bill for the repair. She promptly paid the bill and then told him she hoped all his food tasted like shit for the rest of his life and he never had another good thing happen to him ever. The next day he tried to talk to her and she called him a little bitch. I strive to be like this when I am 91.
- AC, SC and I were walking in the mall. AC was making fun of me for something, not relevant and I don’t remember what it was. But he has a habit of going on and on about something so to stop the gripe-train I grabbed his butt. Hard. Which made him jump and squeal. It was hilarious. He was embarrassed, I cried tears of joy. It was good times.
- Last night I made stuffed shells for dinner. To go with that, I was going to heat up a frozen loaf of garlic bread. Said garlic bread was long and reminded me of a sword (I was channeling Mishawn from The Walking Dead). I “attacked” SC while she was sitting on her bed with my “sword”. Suddenly, the bread flew out the end of the bag, shooting across the bed and hitting SC in the elbow before hitting the floor. The look of surprise on SC face, and the frozen bread stuck between her nightstand and the bed were enough to make me pee my pants in glee. I’m giggling about it as I type. HILARIOUS.
Also, the other thing that happened that is so funny it’s not really funny is that my blog email got flooded with letters from people asking my advice. Why in the world would anyone in their right mind want my advice on anything is baffling to me. Apparently when I posted this The Advice Letter it somehow gave people the idea that I was good at giving advice, which I AM NOT. I try to check my spam folder once a week. I usually have a couple of things that aren’t really spam in there. This time I had 38 items. I know that doesn’t seem like a lot but it is because I don’t have 37 (one thing was spam) good, responsible, sensible things to say to people about their problems. Even though I never proclaimed to know anything about anything, once received, I felt obligated to read each one. I was asked questions mostly related to parenting an addicted child. Heart breaking stuff. And I did respond to each one of them. The one that made me laugh was this:
My kid is clean now. He has been clean for 94 days. But instead of using drugs he is constantly watching Netflix. All day and night. You have mentioned that your daughter did the same thing. What is with this? How do you stop a Netflix addiction? Thank you.
I laughed so hard, not to be disrespectful but because JoDee did the same freaking thing! And, I know several other parents that have said their kid went from drugs to habitual PS4 or Xbox addiction or Netflix. Talk about fixing a feeling with a feeling. If I had to watch her sit on the couch with the remote in one hand and her phone in the other while watching Dance Mom’s or Teen Mom’s or Prison Break for one more day I was going to smother her to death. Instead, eventually, I changed the Netflix password. But that only works if you log them out of the device. Otherwise it’s pointless. And it speaks to the larger, darker, more looming problem that drug addiction is a symptom of a mental illness. Otherwise, mentally stable, able bodied adult citizens get the hell off the couch to work, have a life, and be productive. This person (I don’t know if it was a women or a man) doesn’t need my advice, they need to cancel Netflix! Which is probably what I should have done, but I am way, way too addicted to Grey’s Anatomy, The Walking Dead and Bates Motel for that shit.
After a long debate with the good folks at WordPress (my blog host) on how to keep the advice requests from going to spam simply because I am afraid I might miss them which would be rude, and then I would feel guilty for not being able to give out shitty advice, I created a separate gmail account that they linked back to my blog in technical ways that I don’t understand. I certainly do not encourage anyone to ask my advice for anything or about anything but if someone feels compelled, please send your questions to:
I don’t promise to have good advice, or know what to say, but I do promise to respond to each email and I promise to check it regularly (which in my world means probably twice a week). I also want to add a disclaimer that any and all advice I give is just that. My stupid advice and you should follow it at your own risk. I am not a lawyer or a mental health professional, or a doctor or any one of any significance or importance whatsoever, so if you are dumb enough to ask my opinion, and I am dumb enough to give it, don’t be dumb enough to follow it!
And just as an added bonus, when I was looking up the above meme, I found these others that have nothing to do with anything but were hilarious, so I included for your viewing pleasure. These are dumb but funny. Think Dumb and Dumber: