Just in case you were wondering, I thought I would put together some things that I have thought about lately so that you can understand where I am on the nervous breakdown scale:
- Counting sheep is such a holy bunch of shit. It does not work. When I see those Serta Sleep commercials were the couple (always young, white, privileged couple I might add) have finally gotten a new mattress so they have to fire the sheep, I laugh while giving them the finger because that is ridiculous. I have counted enough sheep to replace every single player in the NFL and all it does is make me want to go to a petting zoo. And then light a Serta mattress on fire. While giving it the finger.
- I have decided that being the mother of an addict is equivalent to this: Imagine being in a large crowd of people. Think grocery store the day before a snow storm. Actually think Market Basket on a Sunday morning before a Nor’ Easter to be exact. Now imagine in this large crowd of people your child starts burning. I mean literally flames roaring, screaming, ablaze on fire. Imagine you are panicked and yelling for help as people walk by without even noticing. And all you have to help extinguish the flames is a teaspoon of water. And you just keep throwing the teaspoon of water at it but the fire looms larger and larger as more parts of your child are burned until all that is left is a smoking, smelling, and charred pile of bones. While I have gut-wrenching sobbing, trying to pick up the pieces and put them together, people continue to shop and no one can see how destructive it was. Only I can see it. And I could do nothing about it.
- I just love with all my guts folks that have all the answers. And live such pious and enriched lives that they can do us the honor of telling us how to live since clearly, without their educating us we would burn in the depths of hell. And then oops, suddenly their closet opens and all these skeletons come out which involve things that truly are horrendous and we are supposed to forget all the shit they gave us and just pretend to forgive them when secretly we are fucking psyched that their sorry ass got ousted. The lesson here is don’t judge unless you live purely and let’s face it right now people, no one does, so don’t judge period. But if you do…. You think Karma is a bitch, but I’m a bigger one.
- If I have to see one more Presidential Candidate Faux-mercial I am going to shoot myself in the face. Twice. I am so sick of the who is better and who is worse and who looks like a fucking Dorito and who looks like Homer Simpson and who has dirty emails and who sweats too much and who looks like a penguin and not any penguin but the penguin from Batman. I have zero faith that anyone can turn this shit around, especially not the Romper Room candidates we have to listen too. Though I am clearly not a Republican I watch the Republican debates because it amazes me the lengths men will go to humiliate themselves in the name of humiliating someone else. If I could, I would vote Diego for president. He would do a fabulous job.
5. I think I’m about 4 steps away from this:
6. If one more person says to me “Wow, it’s gotta be tough” I think I might pull their eye out. Think Uma Thurman in Kill Bill II during the fight scene with Kim Bassinger in the trailer. What is my response supposed to be “Thank you Captain Obvious, if I didn’t know it was tough I really appreciate you pointing it out.” Or do people say that as a plea for me to comfort them? I am supposed to say “It’s not that bad, don’t feel guilty at all for the fact that if she had cancer and were dying you would be dropping off casseroles by the million but since she is “just” an addict you keep your distance for fear it might be catchy”. #EvenIdidn’trealizehowbitterIamuntilnow #sorrynotsorry
7. I want a new house. A bigger house. One that we can all be in the kitchen at the same time without stepping on each other. I want a house big enough that I can’t sit on the toilet and stir sauce on the stove at the same time. (Ok that is a massive exaggeration but I don’t care) We have been contemplating selling the house and buying something bigger for a while but my reluctance is this: I love my garden. I worked hard to get it where it is. We both have. AC would gladly move and start all over. If I have to move and start all over I would like to go to a region where I can grow year round which means no snow, however our children are not yet old enough for that. Decisions decisions.
8.I watch ID way, way, way, way too much. We went to go visit friends in Hopkinton and basically the first thing I said was this isn’t the house that the guy killed his wife and kid is it? A) It was not. B) I checked. C) I should think before I speak.
9.It truly speaks to your mental state when this makes you laugh until your kidney hurts:
I think if I had to tell the number on my safety scale, 1 being completely safe and 10 being mass-homicidal I would say I am probably about ….how…IDK….8,452,478.