Thoughts In My Head

3am: Is the door locked? Maybe I should unlock it. What if she wants to come home in the middle of the night and the door is locked. She will think we are locking her out. I will unlock it. (Climbs out of bed, goes into kitchen) The dog would bark if she tried to come in. Now I’m awake. I will watch Long Island Medium.

5am- Sends text to her “Are you alive?”

11am- Still no response. She could be sleeping. I bet she is sleeping. Or she is dead. I mean she could be dead somewhere and no one knows where she is or who she is or cares. So yes, she could be dead. But probably not. Probably she is sleeping. Passed out. She is probably passed out.  (Checks facebook) Nothing new posted since yesterday.

12noon- Still no response. So she could be sleeping. She might be sleeping still. I mean it’s possible if she was up all night. (Text a mutual friend Have you heard from her?) Maybe he has. I hope he has. (Response No). Ok great, he hasn’t heard from her either. She is definitely dead. Fuck.

12:15- Text from her: Yeah. Yeah? That’s it? I have been up for 9 hours wondering if you are alive and all I get is Yeah. (begins arguing with self) What do you think she should right? Sorry Mom, I was passed out because I went heavy yesterday so sorry? Give it up, at least she isn’t dead. Right, I know. I know that but …. There is no but. She is alive. Move on.

3pm – Should I text her again? What should I say? I can ask if she is clean but she will say yes no matter what. Are you alive? Again? That seems like I’m waiting for it. Aren’t you? Yeah but in a bad way, like I don’t want it to happen not like when is it going to happen. Ok fine I won’t text her. Jesus Christ she is my kid I can text her if I want. No. I won’t.

5pm-What am I going to make for supper? Did I take something out of the freezer? I could just eat out. I think if we took blood the McDonald’s logo colors would flow out, no more eating out. I will make something. Pasta. I must have some meat or something.

515pm- Text (while at a red light) “Are you ok?” That sounds better than are you alive. Immediate response “Yes why” Why? She is asking me why? Because you are a fucking drug addict and I have no idea where you are or what you are doing or with whom. Did she just ask me why? What the actual fuck is wrong with her?

516pm- Response “Just checking on you.” There is no reason to start a fight. She doesn’t get it.

7pm- (While folding towels/emptying the dishwasher) Does she eat? How does she eat if I don’t give her money? I wonder if she showered. I wonder if she is wondering what we are thinking. No. Probably not. I hope I can stay awake for Chopped Junior tonight.

8pm- Did I write Jared a check for school lunch? Did Jay J register for his classes? Have I even thought about what they need all day? Yes. I think about them. Shit. Do I? I’m a terrible person.

8:15pm Asks AC do you think I am good to all the kids or just JoDee? AC: You are a wonderful mommy and they are all lucky to have you. Me: Mommy? Like, what? Stop talking. AC: You asked.

9:00pm Chopped Junior is starting and I’m still awake. YES!

Asleep before the first commercial break.

Midnight: Shit, I missed Chopped Junior. And I have to pee.

Back in bed, tossing and turning until 3am…. Starts all over.

 

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