The following are examples of times you just have to laugh or go completely insane, beating someone about the head and shoulders until they resemble chewed up and spit out meatloaf:
- When you spend an inordinate amount of time calling around to detox’s that will accept your daughters insurance, only to find one 30 minutes away and have to arrive in less than 1 hours time. After throwing shit in a bag and driving like a speedway wanna-be, arrive at said detox with 7 minutes to spare only to find out that they actually don’t take her insurance. True story. The conclusion to that story was we sat in the parking lot of the detox calling more detox’s until we found one that would take her tonight as long as she was medically cleared. Next stop, the hospital.
- Drive to hospital for medical clearance, check. Bring extremely high and stumbling daughter to the ER for medical evaluation, check. Go directly into a room, hook child up to monitors, answer doctors questions, check. Sit on daughters purse, squashing her vape inside causing it to combust and light on fire, smoking like a Thanksgiving Turkey that had been left in the oven at 500 degrees for 8 hours, check. Have husband grab flaming vape while running out of the room to put said vape out, check. When doctor asks whats that smell, let her know that your ass caused the vape to implode, which honestly is a real confidence booster if I do say so myself, without cracking a smile, because it’s not funny if you are the one with the burning ass, check.
- While in ER and doctor asks your addicted and basically drooling daughter, why did you take all these drugs? And she looks at the doctor like she is a frog humping a watermelon, and replies Because I am a drug addict and that’s what we do?- laugh like hell and don’t hide your disdain because, ya, it was a stupid question.
- After your daughter is medically cleared to go to detox, and the social worker comes in and says I think she is not coherent enough for me to do an evaluation to send a screen to the detox. Um, what? Do you frequently get drug addicts through here that aren’t high and incoherent looking for detox? If so, those are place holders looking for a bed to stay out of the cold, not looking for help, but ok since a detox won’t take you if you haven’t used. Been there done that, but whatevs.
- When you have been in the ER since 9pm and it’s now 2am and you finally convince the SW to complete the screen and send it over and she tells you that there are no beds available now at the facility that was willing to take her earlier. Yup, that was a real knee-slapper.
- At 5am (when you have to go to work at 8am) and the hospital sends you home and says they will call you when they find a bed. That’s not even funny, that’s how funny that is.
- The moment you hear your phone ringing at 7am to hear the hospital SW tell you they have a bed at the facility from the night before but we have to be there by 9am. You might laugh at this after you pry your tired eyes open that refuse to cooperate.
- And lastly, the most hilarious moment of all, is when you have to drop her off and go to work to sit through 4 hours of budget meetings and then begin your month end close which is 10 days of hell. The hits just keep on coming!
Someday I will tell you all about how hilarious it is to get your kid in treatment, packed and on a plane when you aren’t even sure that isn’t high at that moment, even after 10 days of detox. But, that’s a joke for another day….